I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The Olympian is in my bed
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
