I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
