I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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