how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
