I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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