Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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