My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
