You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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