Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
