How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
