I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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