NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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