..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
