you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
