I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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