you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
