Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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