She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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