If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
