He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
