I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
that is very illegal...i love you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
