There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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