I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
