Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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