This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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