I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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