There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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