So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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