I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
