I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
