This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
