I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
