So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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