see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize