I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
