Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
