i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
