I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize