I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
