Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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