I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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