It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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