i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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