her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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