i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
