I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
