The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
