the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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