its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
