Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm too high and old for this...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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