i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
