we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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