Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
