another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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