I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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